randomness in my brain!

I know I haven't posted a blog in a week, but I have been very busy with, well life.

I am very very proud to say that I actually started college to become a Pharmacy Technician then hopefully a Pharmacist later on. :) I will also be getting my certification in Interior Decorating. However I will be doing the Interior Decorating on the side because we all know in this economy ain't nobody got money to decorate their house, but EVERYONE will always need medication. If you know what I mean. LoL

If you know me, then you should not be surprised that I am wanting into the medical field. I didn't want to completely dive into it meaning like a nurse, doctor, that stuff but a Pharmacist is so fascinating to me. All the medication available in this world, what they do, how they work, how much they REALLY cost. All that good stuff. :)

With that said, this blog entry will be about randomness.....

I strongly believe that dreams can ALWAYS become a reality as long as you put your mind to it.

No matter what you should always have dreams. I mean look at me, I went from knocking on God's door to now being 25 years old and just starting college. 

Normally you finish high school, attend college, start your career, get married, have kids, and so on. I on the other hand am just now starting my "normal" life. Yes I have a late start but at least I started right? Who says you can't still accomplish your dreams later in life? No one. 

     The only person that is stopping YOU from doing what YOU want to do is YOURSELF. 

I've seen many people in my life that decide to just settle in what they are doing. Are they happy? Absolutely not. If you aren't happy with what your doing why keep going? Life is to damn short to not be doing what you want. If I just sat there and let my disease take over me, then what kind of life am I really living? A pretty boring one if you ask me.

I know this girl, she has Cystic Fibrosis, had a transplant, she's a little younger than me. Anyways she has been fighting like nobody's business with rejection and what not, and guess what? She opened her own boutique, she has been in the hospital a lot but STILL is doing what she loves and has always dreamed of. Now if that doesn't make you think then I don't know what will. She is such an inspiration to me. She has an amazing heart & soul. She is by far the strongest fighter I know. A lot of it has to do with her faith in God and her hope for a future. Lord knows, I hope to meet her one day! 

Nothing frustrates me more than seeing miserable people working at a job that has to interact with humans. 

I see it as you have a job, a lot of people can't get jobs this day and time. It could be worse, you could not even have a job, you could not be able to work in general. Yes I'm sure your dream isn't to be working at Sonic but everyone has to start at the bottom. 

                   In the words of Drake: I started from da bottom and now I'm here. :)

Dreams should never be overlooked. If you are 50 years old and are JUST now starting a new career path then good for you! It doesn't matter how late you start to accomplish your goals and aspirations. The only thing that matters is that you are doing it. My dream is to become a Interior Decorator and be rich in love and family. and I will do that, maybe not right this second but eventually I will be. Remember my name haha

People have asked me before isn't your dream to not have CF anymore? Ive thought about it and it's a mixed answer. Yes I hope CF will eventually be cured but also no because the about of things this disease has provided me in life I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

                            A lot of my dreams came true because of Cystic Fibrosis. 

I am so extremely blessed to have CF, it's made me have the closest relationship with my family, I have a core group of friends that have been there with and for me since day one, I've got to experience the amazing medical technology that has become so innovative in the past five years. When I start from the beginning and think about what I wouldn't have, had I not been diagnosed with CF, I think my life would honestly suck. LOL 

                     I'm in LOVE with my life just how it is, so no I don't want to change it.

Now that I've wrote or "typed" a bunch of randomness, I need to go back to doing some schoolwork :) oh and my average grade is a 97! A 97 in college! Are you KIDDING me??? I never thought I would say this but I am LOVING college. 

I will be writing a blog once a week for sure, maybe more depending on what is on my mind. 

Thank you for being YOU. Always be yourself, don't change for anyone. Never give up on your dreams. Never lose HOPE. and never ever take ONE breath for granted because well you may not wake up tomorrow. 

faith.hope.love

Courtney

fear or not

There is one word in this world that scares the crap out of me and I'm sure you all will agree.

So what is this word...?

Fear.

Fear is one of those words everyone will try and cover up and say ha i'm not scared no way! Yet deep down they are terrified. Yes that is completely normal. However there are many different levels of fear in my opinion:

fear of money,

fear of love,

fear of God, 

and lastly fear of the unknown.

When the Bible says in Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear for I am with you always" why do we continue to be fearful? I have to assume it's because He is teaching us some kind of lesson that we haven't figured out yet.

When we start talking about the fear of money, what does that mean exactly? We all have different views on "money" issues. Some say, oh I can't afford to go on vacation this year, or will I have enough money to pay my bills. How many medications will I pick up that I need to pay for? Did I pay my house payment? 

The truth is, what is money worth to you? Bible says in 1 Timothy 6:10 "For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people eager for money have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs". In this society today everything is about money. Back when I was "young" gas was $1.15 and we were trying to figure out how to pay that. Point being forget about money. Start working to live and stop living to work. It's not worth the stress that money causes in our lives. Ive never seen something have so much control over people. My opinion on money is like this, I believe in saving money but also don't hoard it and be a tight wad. Live your life, go on family vacations, enjoy it because you earned it, after all once we leave this world we sure as heck can't take it with us. So don't have a fear of money and whether or not you'll make it in life, because you will. If you have faith in HIM, he will provide for you and not let you suffer. It's just paper, don't let it run & ruin your life.

The fear of love is a very interesting subject or for me it is. I've always had a fear of never finding someone whom will love me for me, and accept everything I've been through. Just because I have a hard exterior doesn't mean I don't want love. Everyone wants to be loved by someone. I still believe that there is someone out there for everybody, even me. The scary part is wondering when "he" will show up. I know he's out there, I just have to be patient and in His timing it will happen. Trust me I have faith. :) so anyone out there who thinks oh no one will every love me, well you are wrong there is one person in this world that will love you unconditionally and he is our Lord Jesus. 

I know that some people have the other fear of love in which you are afraid to give your whole heart to someone, which if you were hurt in the past that makes completely sense. However do you want to go through life not being able to feel the love that shines out of you once you let go? I know I wouldn't. All in all just embrace it, embrace the love, show the love, love one another. After all God made us just how he wanted us & we are so blessed. 

Fearing God. It's not something I like talking about since I don't fear him. Actually I trust him with my life. Back before I even received my transplant, I was a very angry person. Angry at God, my health, my body, just angry at everyone and everything. I questioned why God would do this to me? Is he even real? God would never give me this awful disease, he's probably a joke. Little did I know he was testing not only my patience but my faith in HIM. He wanted me to "take a number" go get mad, get angry, cry, scream, do whatever I needed to do then He knew I would come back. Low and behold I came back. I stopped fearing Him so much, and started trusting in Him. After all he knows what he's doing. "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." I thought to myself alright bro you obviously know what your doing so you can take over now. Thanks :) 

The best thing you can you not only for yourself but for others is do NOT fear God, he is with you always & forever. 

Fearing the unknown is my weakness. I wonder what does my future hold? Just almost 2 years ago I was on my death bed, I had no plans at that moment nor for what I wanted to do in life. For many years my "plan" was to wake up (if I even went to sleep) and still be breathing. Not many people know this but from November of 2011 until my transplant date October 10, 2012; I would make my brother (6'2) or my mom hold my hand all night while I "slept". I made them do this every night,. (keep in mind three adults and two weenie dogs in a king bed) I told myself that if I died in my sleep, they would know because my grip would loosen from their hand. Every night I feared the unknown. Will I sleep tonight? Will I wake up? Will I call 911 for the ambulance to transport me to UTSW? It was a constant mind game, am I breathing okay? too fast? too slow? Can I make it to the bathroom or will Trevor have to carry me? I wonder if I'll have enough breath today to be able to eat just a bite of dinner? If I did eat it, would it wear me out to the point of me labor breathing? It was a never ending battle. I had station 10 on speed dial, we became really close. I felt so safe when they would come because that was one thing I knew for sure is they could calm me down. they became my security blanket. They also had the fear of the unknown. Gosh here's Courtney again, will we make it to the hospital before she codes on us? I can't imagine what went on in their mind. The anxiety from unknown was the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life. I wouldn't wish anxiety on anyone. I could put my pulse oxymeter on my finger it would say 85-90, I could just look down and immediately drop it to 54 then I would hyperventilate and here comes station 10. 

The unknown still to this day is something I struggle with and I'm sure everyone else struggles with it as well. Will I make that percentage survival rate they have for new transplant patients? Will I last 3 years or 30 years? But everyday I think gosh how blessed am i? Beyond measures. I will forever cherish this gift. I am trying to not think about the unknown and focus on the right now. My family, my friends, and my God is all I need. Amen?

I can't describe how overjoyed I am with my new lungs. The ONLY unknown I still question is my lungs, I want to know who selfishly gave their life up to extend mine. 

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" AMEN!

:Side note:

I can't thank everyone enough for reading my blog. In one day I got over 350 views from all over the world. That amazes me. I only started this to help people understand that your life is a GIFT that you can't return, so use it until the warranty expires, then if it does see if you can get replacement parts like I did. :) 

My last word: Are you an organ donor?  If you are I would love to hear why you became a donor? If not, here is a link to become one. Trust me it's totally worth it. 

Be a Donor

Judgments.

                             Does it really matter what others think of us? No, but that isn't the reality. Society has come to the point of everyone on the TV, telling us who looks good in what, and how much weight they have lost/gained, what he/she wore, and so on. To me that is so sad. What has this world come to now days? Can we all just love each other for who they are & not throw around so much hate and judgement?

                                         When you hear the word judge, what do you think? 
Do you think of a judge in the court of law?
Do you think of a judge on a TV show or do you think of the harsh reality of the true definition?

The definition of judge is to form an opinion about someone or something.

Now we know that everyone says oh well I don't judge, or I'm not judging but......
There is ALWAYS a but at the end of that sentence, and I'm not going to lie, I have said that and I am guilty of judging people but I am trying to become a better in that department. In fact when I think about it, how many verses in the Bible does it mention to us not to judge? Don't know? Well there are a lot let me tell you. Matthew 7:1 says " Do not judge, or you to will be judged", when I read that verse it really hits home to me.

                                        For 25 years, my entire life. I have been judged. 

Growing up my family made sure that I felt like the most normal little girl in the world, and they did one heck of a job. As a child I can honestly say I never knew something was wrong with me. I just kept playing and going along with life as I knew it.  I'm also very extremely blessed with the fact that I have about 7 friends that have been my friends from birth, they have NEVER once judged me. When we would play outside and I would get tired quicker than my friends, they would say lets go play inside or watch a movie. They were young but still made sure I felt normal. They did that without hesitation. Yes there were times that I felt judged for instance they wouldn't invite me to do things because I couldn't go here since they smoked, or I couldn't go to Six Flags in the summer because I couldn't last all day, I would be exhausted. Those were mainly my preteen to teenage years. I remember numerous of times I wanted to go to a party, but they wouldn't invite me, wouldn't even mention it, then I would see things posted on MySpace about how much fun they had. Yes I would go in my room, do my breathing treatments & cry myself to sleep asking why am I not good enough? Do they not love me? What is so wrong with me? After I questioned everything all night about myself, I would ALWAYS wake up the next day and forget about it. It's a new day & I'm ready to go!

I'm very happy to say that when I got so sick right before my transplant, those 7 close friends were by my side. They weren't judging, they wanted to be with me, nowhere else just be there for me. If you would've asked me years ago would these same people still be my best friends in 10 years, I would have said you are crazy there is NO way but here I am 25 and they are all still here. After my surgery I had never felt so loved in my life. People coming out of the wood works, from all over the USA to actually all over the world. Praying for me, not knowing me, and most of all not judging me. Now who can say you had people all over the world praying for you? ha yeah this girl right here. :-)

These days I have to wear a mask every now & then at random places and during flu season. That's when the judgment begins.....staring, pointing, whispering, cranking their neck around to look at me. The same things that happened when I had a wheelchair pre-transplant. Now you would think a mask wouldn't be a big deal right? uh WRONG.
The thing that has surprised me the most is when I do wear the mask, it's not the children that judge me, it's the grown adults. The little kids don't know any better they just ask why, and I politely say oh I had a transplant, and I have to wear this to look cool and not get sick. Once I say that they are content, walk away and think nothing of it. As far as the adults, it's very disappointing in my eyes. They stare so hard I feel like the eyes will get stuck like that. haha. I've had quite the questions containing the mask that makes me laugh so hard.

Here is a few:

"Oh are you sick?" I say no I had a transplant then they freak out and apologize forever. I say no no it's a good thing!

"Are you a doctor?" hahaha yeah because I just got out of surgery, changed to jeans & a t-shirt but left my mask on.

"Oh sweetie, did you have oral surgery?" now what in the heck would I be doing wearing a mask after oral surgery? I just had my wisdom teeth out & I didn't need a mask. LOL

"Thank you so much for what you do!" I said i'm sorry? They said your a nurse. haha no ma'am no I'm not but I do know a bunch of them.


After reading those how can you not laugh? The point to that is proven in
            James 1:19 "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry".

So before you go off throwing judgments out on people you don't even know, think about it before you say something. Until you walked a mile in their shoes, you don't have much room to talk.

I had a handicap sign prior to transplant because I couldn't walk far & half the time I just used a wheelchair. When people would see me stepping out of my car looking all "normal" they would shake their head in disgust that I parked there and I'm not "handicap". Little did they know I couldn't BREATHE. So when you see someone looking perfectly healthy parking in a handicap, think about it. Maybe they look perfect on the outside, but on the inside their body is failing.
When you see someone on the side of the street asking for money, your mind automatically goes to they just want money for beer, drugs, or other stuff. What if they don't? What if they have nothing, they lost their house, lost their job, has PTSD, and just needs some kind of help that day. Maybe YOU will change their life but giving them change or $1 or $5?

Does it really matter what everyone else thinks? It says in Galatians 1:10 "Am I now trying to win approval of men or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I was still trying to please people I would not be a servant of Christ." In the end the only one to has the authority to judge is the Lord, yet he doesn't judge. He only wants us to do what is right. What's so hard about that?

Everyone has the ability to judge, but how about instead of judging we change that to the power of changing someones life. Making them realize there are good people in this world, and not everyone will judge you. Instead of saying oh my gosh look at them, how about you say oh Bless their Heart, I need to pray for them.

Trust me, it does work.


Today I want to send out a challenge, can you go all day (24 hours) without thinking a judgmental thought?

faith.hope.love

Courtney

courtlee7@yahoo.com 

The Beginning.

           I've decided to start a blog, will it go anywhere? I don't know but I also don't really care. This is for me to reflect on and others to maybe have a better understand of me. We will see. 


About me: 
I'm a 25 year old "single" girl who just happened to be lucky enough to have a disease called Cystic Fibrosis, I have had this "gift" my whole life but was never diagnosed until I was 3 1/2. I call this a gift because I believe if it wasn't for this my faith and trust in God would be non existent. Without the Lord by my side, along with my family and friends I can honestly tell you right now that I wouldn't be here. My family and friends are my strength, my hope, my love, my life. 

November 2011, I was given this amazing opportunity to make my dream come true and fly to New York to see one of the last shows on Live! with Regis & Kelly. Keep in mind I've watched this show for years, I wasn't always healthy enough to attend school so I would stay with my grandma and watch it, while she took care of me. My parents had to obviously work & my brother was at school. Anyways so with my mom's amazing connections, and her work. I was able to take that trip. It was the best trip of my life. I got to take my "sister" Kristin, my mom, brother. I will remember that trip until the day I die. In fact that trip almost killed me, literally. Two weeks after we returned home, we were eating dinner and I told my mom I couldn't breathe......5 seconds later I collapsed in her arms. I blacked out so I don't really know what happened, all I know is that I woke up in the ER, with tubes in my chest, it was at that point I thought to myself, this is it....I'm going to die right here and now. Somehow by the grace of God the hole in my lung healed. Alright awesome, I can go home and everything is normal. But from that point on my life was indeed the biggest, tallest, longest roller coaster I had EVER been on. It never stopped, it had 500 million loopy loops and upside downs than I could count. 

Then starting in January the entire year of 2012 I was in the hospital in & out of ICU. It was indeed the hardest thing to go through not only for myself but for my parents and family. I can't imagine watching your daughter, sister, grandchild, niece just whittling away. Basically getting closer and closer to death and going to be with the Lord. I was blessed enough to be pretty heavily medicated so I wouldn't know of anything going on. I do remember one time, the head RT of UTSW, came to talk to me about my options. He had been with me every step of the way. He sat by my bed, held my hand and said, sweetie, we have basically one option we have to vent you but you probably won't ever come off of it because your lungs are so weak & damaged. He said I love you and I HATE being the person to tell you this but I have always been honest with you. He told me to call anyone I wanted before they vented me. My mom had already texted Kristin who was going to college in Tyler, she left immediately to come be with me. So I picked up the phone and I called Alison. She answered very confused and I told her you know I love you, and I just wanted to tell you bye because they said I won't make it off the vent. She started crying, threw the phone down and Kerry picked up and asked what was going on, at that time my mom I think spoke to her. Then I called my Aunt Sheila, I told her good bye and I loved her, she told me I was crazy and I wasn't going anywhere. Of course I didn't believe her because my odds were very very LOW. She then left at 3am to come be with me. From that point on, I don't remember anything. I was put on a machine called ECMO or CardioHelp. It was my last resort. No other options. No good news. All we could do was pray. oh and did we pray. prayed everyday. To help me, give me strength, we wanted hope, a miracle, a cure, anything. 

                          It wasn't until that night my mom laid next to me, and prayed to God.
Lord I give up, I can't fix it, she is in your hands. If it's meant for her to have lungs give them to her, if not please don't let her suffer anymore. Let her go and be with you. Amen.

                           That's it, that's all she prayed. Nothing less, nothing more. 

That next morning, her prayer was answered. My doctor came into my room smiling and told my mom, we have LUNGS, at that moment my doctor, the tough guy, hard exterior, started crying. My mom called everyone she knew and I know deep down she couldn't believe that her little prayer saved me and her. On October 10, 2012 I got lungs! Not one but two healthy lungs.
This little 23 year old girl from Irving, Texas was given a miracle by the one and only Lord. The Lord choose ME. He gave me a miracle. Why me? I don't know and won't ever know, but I can't help but look at life completely different. Those miracles in the Bible that you read and think to yourself ha yeah okay Jesus, like that can even happen. Oh but it can. Look at me. 

                                            I now live my life for the Lord.

It's the greatest gift I have ever received in my life. Nothing can compare. He truly is the way and the life. 

Here I am 1 year & 8 months since that day. I'm in love with someone I've never met, I love my life. I love what God has done in my life. My only hope is that I can live up to this gift I've been giving. Am I good enough? Am I strong enough? Are you sure you trust me with this gift? Am I meeting his expectations? Of course I am, because if I couldn't handle it he wouldn't have give me such a valuable gift such as a second life. I hope I can show people what life is really about. Don't dwell on the past, don't let the little things ruin your day. Live your OWN life for you and no one else. 


With that said, I will end that part of my journey and continue on with my life. 

                                                 How Great is Our God!

                                                          Faith.Hope.Love
                                                              Courtney


Ephesians 2:8-10
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.