Do You Believe?

Hello my people!

Okay so this is such a random like post.

Ever since I received my transplant on 10.10.12 every year about this time I start smelling an intense aroma of smoke, cigarette smoke. I feel like someone is sitting in front of me and blowing the smoke in my face. It's one of the most puzzling things i've ever been through. It always seems to be around December - January and sometimes February. It all started December 13th and is still going on, it'll usually last a week then stop and start again. It drives me crazy. No one is smoking around me, near me, let alone in front of my face.

It makes me wonder, could it be a sign from my donor? Are the times that it happens specific dates reflecting my donor's birthday or something that's very important to her? But why would it be smoke? Smelling smoke when you have new lungs just doesn't add up in my opinion. I just wish I knew what it was. I know i'm not crazy, but then again when I tell people I smell smoke only in the winter months and then is goes away, one would think wow she's lost her damn mind. haha Honestly though, have you ever heard of such a thing?
Maybe it's her telling me to write to her family again? Either way I'm going to write them again, maybe one day they will finally want to know that their daughter is living on.

Do you believe that it's possible to get "signs" from the donor? I use to think people were a little looney when speaking about ghost's and what not, but now include me in the looney bin. haha of course I guess if you admit to being looney then you aren't really looney.......

Anyways I just had to say that because it makes me crazy trying to figure it all out, but then again maybe I'm not suppose to figure it out?

In other news......
It's almost Christmas & I couldn't be more excited than I am right now! Christmas is by FAR my favorite time of the year, next to my birthday of course. :)

Until next time. Probably around Christmas, I will update everyone again. Hopefully my smoking smell will go away.

Thanks for Giving!

  Thanksgiving

noun

1.

the act of giving thanks; grateful acknowledgment of benefits or favors, especially to God.

2.

an expression of thanks, especially to God.

3.

a public celebration in acknowledgment of divine favor or kindness.

4.

a day set apart for giving thanks to God.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For Thanksgiving this year we had decided to post pone in until today (Saturday) because Aunt Sheila had to work Thanksgiving, which is fine with me because that means we will get to spend more time together during Christmas (which is obviously my favorite time of the year). In my opinion it doesn't matter which day you have Thanksgiving on, it only matters that you are able to spend time together with the ones that you love so dearly. Besides we wanted ALL of our family here, not just half of them. I missed my aunt like crazy. So I will act like a child and say I was so excited to see her & spend time with her!!
I was sad my dad & Javier didn't get to spend turkey day with us, but since dad was so sick I wasn't about getting sick lol

_________________________________________________________

Things I am Thankful for in 2014

First 

I would like to send out my thanks be to God, for if it were not for him giving me strength, the fight, and the will, I would probably not be here. 

Second 

I would like to give thanks to my donor who was in her mid twenties. I am please asking for prayer for her family to find some peace, love, and understanding somehow in this terrible time. I know the holidays are much worse. If she's anything like me she LOVES her family...I hope that I am somewhat living the dream that the donor parents wished. I know they would want her lungs to save someone life. I can only help but hope that I am worthy enough for them. But let me tell you I'm SOOOOO thankful you have no idea! My hope is one day when the time is right, my donor's family will write back. I know this must be hard on them, I can't even imagine, but I hope that know that their daughters life continues through me.

Third

This person has been with me for an entire 25 years. When I was in the hospital, she was sleeping in a bed or chair right next to me and always catered to me for whatever I needed or wanted. For that I could never be so thankful that she is my mom! I wouldn't want anyone else trying to take care of me. Of course no offense to my bro Trevor! :) My mom is my rock, my angel, my person, she is one half of the person who granted me life here on this earth. The only award I can give you is my life. I wish I could give you more but physically I can't. I love you for every second every hour every day I wake up. I'm still alive because you always fought for me, no matter what it took, you would never give up on me. 

I love you mom,

you are the bread to my peanut butter

you're the sweet to my tea. 

I think you overall get the idea. :)

Fourth

I'm so thankful for my family. They are the most loving people I know. They give me strength when I am weak, hope when i'm hopeless, they have yet to ever let me down, or discourage me. Anything I choose to do in life, they are there to support my hopes and dreams. For that seems to be so uncommon these days and I am so thankful they are in my life. I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for them.

Fourth: Part II

I'm very thankful for my friends. Wow. I don't even know what to say about them. I have never been so blessed and thankful that these people are in my life. I've been friends with them whether it has been 2 years or 25 years, i'm so grateful for each and everyone of them. 

Five

I'm so thankful for all of these pills. I would rather take 2348790403 pills than take breaking treatments all day but that is just my opinion. I have my morning, afternoon, bedtime meds. The enzymes I take before eating anything. It helps digest your food. This is EVERYDAY. Not including checking my blood sugar at least 4 times a day then poking yourself with a needle at least 4 times a day possible more. (Below are pictures of my medication in order)

So if you are still wondering why I'm thankful for these little money making type of pills, it's because without these pills, I wouldn't be here today. I'll take this over anything. God is Good! AMEN!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

xoxo-Courtney

I just like to smile, smiling is my favorite- ELF

Today as I had just ate breakfast I realized wow it's been 2 months since I've posted on here and a lot of things have happen since then so I will try and update you all to everything that I can at least remember :)

August

                 It was quite a busy month for me. I was asked by one of my mom's really good friends to house sit while they sailed the ocean blue, of course I said yes because not only are they the sweetest people you will ever come in contact with but they also have by far the sweetest most loving dogs ever. The entire 2 weeks I was there I hardly ever felt like the dogs were there, never heard a peep from them. EVER. If I did then I knew it was something serious, or the yard guys had come. :)
During that time when I was speaking to my grandma on the phone I told her I realized that I never ever want to live alone. It's boring, lonely, and just not fun. I'm to much of a people person. The Saturday before they came home, my back starting hurting and I was thinking, no no not again, come on back don't let me down now. Sure enough I couldn't take it, so I came home went to the ER got me some pain medicine and headed back home. I sent Trevor out to their house to stay a couple days since I obviously couldn't drive while "under the influence of narcotics" haha he ending up staying until Monday. They came home on Tuesday night and I'm sure the kiddo's (dogs) were so excited to see them.

After all that I decided that I needed to go to the dentist because I was told after I had my wisdom teeth removed to come back and see him so we could discuss what we wanted to do about my teeth. I scheduled an appointment and went on my way. While there Dr. Filbeck and I discussed the options I had for my ugly yellow, damaged front teeth. We talked for a good hour and decided the best way to do this is Porcelain Crowns instead of Veneers. I told him I could care less which teeth I got I just wanted white teeth. 

It was finally settled, Crowns it was. I scheduled an appointment to start the process the second week in September. I was soooo excited. I thought I would've been nervous but nope, the excitement overpowered the nervousness. :) 

August 22nd

An extremely hot Friday was the day of my mom's summer work party. It happens every year and I absolutely LOVE it! This year the company had it at the Dallas Zoo, we had the Zoo to ourselves all 200 of us give or take on the number. It was so hot yet so much fun, we saw Lions, Tigers, and no bears! haha we were at the zoo from 5pm up until bout 9 or 10pm. Needless to say when we got home I was so tired, hot, nasty gross that I immediately headed to take a cool shower.
The next night I was watching the news and they had "breaking news" pop up, they said out of the Dallas Zoo, the Lioness attacked the zoo keeper. I'm like oh great, luckily it wasn't when we were there. haha

This is our holy heck it's hot but hello lil Giraffe look.

Weekend of August 30th. 

Oh lordy was that intense. My mom and I were out shopping mid day for Kristin's birthday the following week when the one and only E-Wizzle (aka Erin my nurse) called. I instantly thought oh no something is wrong, she doesn't ever call me. I answer and she's like hey are you coming to Katie's (my other nurse) bridal shower, I said um yeah? She goes well it's at 2 (i think) and Katie isn't even here yet, I said omgsh I thought it was at 3! So we left the store asap and headed to her shower in Dallas. Of course we were late so we walked in while everyone was eating (AWKWARD) I ended up sitting next to her mom. Katie has some of the nicest, most sweetest family and friends I've met. I was so honored that she invited me. She of course looked gorgeous as always!

After we left the shower we then had to go to Blake's birthday party. He was turning the big 8! I didn't stay long because I wasn't feeling so good, so I just did a kinda drop off the present and run thing. 

Sunday: 

Kristin decided that she was going to have her family birthday shindig today since her real birthday fell on a weekday, not only that school had started and she didn't really have time to have a "party". We all had kind of a late lunch early dinner at JeJe's and it was delicious as well as fun. I love love spending time with my best friend. There is no words in this world that could describing the love & friendship she has given me for 25 years. I love her so much, she's always there for me no matter what the circumstances are, even though she is so busy with her life, marriage, and career she will drop anything if I need her. :)

I got her this 3ft. wine glass & filled it with 25 gifts that she can actually use. lol

*September*

At last we have reached the month of September, the month in which the heat finally starts simmering down, the trees start changing colors, and the cool weather approaches. My favorite time is fall & winter. :)

Needless to say this was quite a long month, only because it was my mom's Sabbatical and the first day of it we did so much that we thought okay now what? haha 

Dentist Time

September 8th was the first of 3 appointments to start my crown process! I had to be at the dentist by 8 am that morning, and if you know me then you are fully aware at how I am NOT a morning person. However I sucked it up and went because I was excited! I was there for a 2-3 hours. He numbed my entire face, drilled all my teeth down, then put on my temporary crowns. It was one of the weirdest feelings ever, not only that my teeth weren't YELLOW. I was so happy I didn't even know what to think, he told me that the permanents will be more white, straighter and smoother. In my mind I thought he was crazy, how could they look any better than they do now? It's impossible, he doesn't know what he's talking about. haha well sure enough he completely knew what he was talking about because when I went to my second appointment on the 15th, he applied my permanents and I could have cried but I didn't. They looked amazing, for the first time in my life I had white teeth, yes they are fake but I sure as heck don't care as long as they weren't dentures. ;-) I haven't been able to stop smiling since. They always say smiling shows confidence but in my case who would want to smile with teeth that were so damaged. I mean yes I had a good excuse because it was from all the malnutrition, being a mouth breather, but you can't tell every person you run into "hey my teeth are yellow because blah blah blah" so the entire time I was being judged once again. I don't care what you say it was true, there are a lot of judgmental people in this world and no matter what you say, you do care what others think, it's in your nature. 

I feel like now that my teeth are all pretty & white I can do anything I want to in life. 

 The picture above is my temporary crowns.

......this are my permanents, can you say gorgeous teeth?

From September 17th through the 21st my mom & I traveled to Atlanta, Georgia to see Garth Brooks in concert. I surprised her with the tickets a few weeks prior, so we barely had time enough to pack and fly or at least that's how I felt. I'm a very organized packer in the fact that I make a list a month in advance so I don't forget anything, and this time I felted so rushed haha. When we arrived little did we know that the hotel we stayed at (which was very nice, clean, great ratings) was in the "hood" of ATL. Heck we didn't know, but I will say it was quite an experience. Even though the hotel area was sketching we only slept there, most of our time we spent driving everywhere! Oh and FYI traffic in the ATL goes on 24/7 there are no break periods, 2am traffic, 2pm traffic, every hour TRAFFIC!! It took 20 minutes just to go 5 miles, I've never been good at math but I sure as heck know that don't add up! 

Most Scary Moment: 

I called the hotel lobby asking who had the best pizza, he said best pizza, I said no I mean like where can I order it, he said nah it's called Best Pizza it's just down the road (yeah 15min) okay cool thanks! I called them, the lady answer watchu want? I said do y'all have pineapple pizza? The lady said ummm we gots pizza dat you can put da pineapple on.... (okay rude, I was VERY nice to her though) I said yeah i'm sorry that's what I meant, can I get a small pizza. mmmhmm dat it? I said yes ma'am. aight be ready in 5. Lol okay cool no problem. We arrived at the pizza place only to realize it was in a worse part of town, the barbershop next door was still "open" at 1am and all the boys were outside just a chatting (or so I hope). Mom was about to have a heart attack, I went in and the lady looked at me like what in the heck are you doing here? I handed the lady my $5 through a hole (since it was all incased with bullet proof glass) then she handed my pizza through another hole in which only the pizza box could fit...... haha all in all it was good pizza, would I get it again um no thank you. 

While in Atlanta we went to the Georgia Aquarium which was pretty awesome, if I say so myself. Then Saturday we went to the Coca Cola Bottling Factory, it was so cool! They give you a glass bottle of coke when you leave, which they should for the price we paid to get in there! (I drank it yesterday, best coke ever! Not super sweet and acidy like can coke)

The best part of the trip was in fact the concert. We had to walk like 3 miles and there were 50 million people everywhere in what they call Midtown Atlanta. The reasoning behind millions of people was well, Garth Brooks was doing back to back concerts that night, 6:30pm & 10:30pm, they had the College Football game going on, the BET awards, and well as Midtown Music Festival, so whoever planned that was stupid! So, that Saturday the concert ended about 9 or 9:30 (which in my opinion isn't enough spacing) we stopped to get something to drink, the waited in traffic for a good 2 hours (no joke) then got back to the hotel, packed all our stuff up, then basically ate all the food in the hotel that we had bought, and by the time we got to lay down it was about 12:30 and we had to get up at 3:30am to take the rental car back & all that jazz. I got about an hour of sleep maybe. I was exhausted and ready for my OWN bed!

These are just a few pictures from our trip:

That's all for now, I know I say this every time but I'm going to TRY and keep up with this. If I don't then well I don't know. lol 

Here's to October, a month of milestones, life changing events, cooler weather, and closer to Christmas! :)

Become a Donor

bro.

Here I am, it's been a little while since I've uploaded a post. I apologize. I've been continuing to do good in school and what not. It's just been plain hectic around the White house. Anyways back to my purpose of this post.

Today this post is dedicated to my one and only brother. Today July 29, 1992 I was in the waiting room waiting for my little brother to show up. I was so excited I couldn't contain myself. Well after a terrible delivery my mom finally gave me my little brother. I had the "I'm a BIG sister" cliche shirt on, of course. :)

There are many times in our life that we fought. Argued till the sun went down, hit each other. Kicked on another, basically the typical brother and sister situation. As I look back in life, I felt so sorry for him. I would miss school all the time and so he thought well if sister misses school why can't I? So it was such a hassle for my parents and grandparents to get him to school. One reason it was so hard was because he was the size of an adult. But man I loved him.

Now here we are, on his birthday going to celebrate tonight. If you know my brother at all, he doesn't want any attention, he doesn't want anyone to even acknowledge that it's his birthday and I still to this day can't quite figure it out. He would rather sit at home play on his computer than even go to dinner. However what he doesn't know is that tonight the whole family is going out to eat including a few of my friends which he really loves. I'm very very nervous about this. I really hope he just has a good time. That's all I want from him.

He is such an amazing man, he will make one girl very happy one day. He's the most caring, sweetest, hard headed, argumentative, loving person and he will do anything for anybody. He is such a strong man, for many years (probably at least 5) he took care of me while mom worked. I don't know what I would've done without him. He always catered to my every want and need. He would make sure I ate, took my medicine, and he would sleep with me so I wouldn't feel like I was alone. He stayed up most all of the nights just to watch me while mom would sleep. Then they would trade off. He would have to pick me up to take me to the bathroom because I couldn't breathe, let alone walk 2 steps. He would push me in my wheelchair, make sure my oxygen was on and all that.

Even though sometimes I want to slap him, or yell at him I know that we will soon get over it and life will move on. So with all that being said I am so extremely grateful for the man he has become. Not many siblings that age would've put their life on hold literally just to take care of their sister. Oh how I love that red headed dude. Anyways I just wanted to give y'all an idea of how he's such an amazing man.
Today is your day Trevor, I love you with all of my heart. You will NEVER know how much you mean to me by helping me fight for my life and making sure I never ever gave up. It was priceless memories that I wouldn't trade for the world.

iloveyou.

Happy Birthday Trevor Joseph!

Love you always,
Court

4th of July in 2014

So technically today was July 4th but we technically always have some holidays the day after the actual holiday but that's perfectly fine with me. All that matters is that my Aunt Sheila makes in town. I love spending time with her. It's defiantly one of my favorite things. 

July 4th seems like such a fun holiday but lets be honest the best holiday is Christmas! Speaking of Christmas.....can you tell me how many day until Christmas? Don't google it just think about it and at the end of this page you can check your answer. :) 

So what is the meaning of Independence Day? 

Independence Day, also commonly known as the Fourth of July, is a federal holiday in the United States of America commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, declaring independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain (now officially known as the United Kingdom). Independence Day is commonly associated with fireworks, parades,barbecues, carnivals, fairs, picnics, concerts, baseball games, family reunions, and political speeches and ceremonies, in addition to various other public and private events celebrating the history, government, and traditions of the United States. Independence Day is the National Day of the United States.

Does that make sense now? Okay good then we can move on. 

I do love the fact that during most holidays my family gets all together, family is the most important thing to me ever. I would give up anyways to spend one day with them. But then that's the selfish side of me. Think of all the men & women serving overseas fighting for our country, risking their lives, when they have family of their own wondering if they will hopefully get to see them again. I at least know that I can call her anytime I want, text her anytime and FaceTime her. with that said thank God for our military and our Freedom!

As I was on my way home last night, I caught a few fireworks from the freeway so I pulled over, turned my flashers on and stayed there for about oh a whole 2 minutes lol I got HANGRY and I needed Whataburger. I know one thing I had an amazing visit with my Aunt. :) I love her and miss her allll the time every day! Enough of about that jazz! 

In other news; I passed my chemistry and pharm calculation test this weekend. I made a 85 and 95 :) intense. I'm not 55% complete of my certification program. I was looking the other day and I'm actually a little over a month ahead of schedule. At this rate instead of getting my diploma in October i could get it in August! I can't believe I'm so excited! Also starting on Tuesday, I start my psychology degree program at a University. So I'll be double-timing it. Woot Woot. I am so excited. I think I'll do amazing, or at least I hope! Wish me luck! Then after the Pharmacy Technician certification I'm going to start getting my associates in Interior Decorating. That'll because my side job since we all know these days ain't nobody got time to hire a decorator lol I just want that as my backup. I mean that was my original idea of what I wanted to do so why not do it? 

I've been through a lot in my life and I think that if i want to have a bunch of diplomas,degrees, or certification. I mean why not right? I did say do whatever YOU want to do. Don't listen to anyone else's opinion. Go with your gut :) Be who you WANT to be. 

Anyways it's now like oh 6 am. I'm going to finish up some more homework. :) 

Good night, God Bless 'Merica!

faith.hope.love

Courtney

Pretty soon it will say::::

   Courtney White. CPht   

randomness in my brain!

I know I haven't posted a blog in a week, but I have been very busy with, well life.

I am very very proud to say that I actually started college to become a Pharmacy Technician then hopefully a Pharmacist later on. :) I will also be getting my certification in Interior Decorating. However I will be doing the Interior Decorating on the side because we all know in this economy ain't nobody got money to decorate their house, but EVERYONE will always need medication. If you know what I mean. LoL

If you know me, then you should not be surprised that I am wanting into the medical field. I didn't want to completely dive into it meaning like a nurse, doctor, that stuff but a Pharmacist is so fascinating to me. All the medication available in this world, what they do, how they work, how much they REALLY cost. All that good stuff. :)

With that said, this blog entry will be about randomness.....

I strongly believe that dreams can ALWAYS become a reality as long as you put your mind to it.

No matter what you should always have dreams. I mean look at me, I went from knocking on God's door to now being 25 years old and just starting college. 

Normally you finish high school, attend college, start your career, get married, have kids, and so on. I on the other hand am just now starting my "normal" life. Yes I have a late start but at least I started right? Who says you can't still accomplish your dreams later in life? No one. 

     The only person that is stopping YOU from doing what YOU want to do is YOURSELF. 

I've seen many people in my life that decide to just settle in what they are doing. Are they happy? Absolutely not. If you aren't happy with what your doing why keep going? Life is to damn short to not be doing what you want. If I just sat there and let my disease take over me, then what kind of life am I really living? A pretty boring one if you ask me.

I know this girl, she has Cystic Fibrosis, had a transplant, she's a little younger than me. Anyways she has been fighting like nobody's business with rejection and what not, and guess what? She opened her own boutique, she has been in the hospital a lot but STILL is doing what she loves and has always dreamed of. Now if that doesn't make you think then I don't know what will. She is such an inspiration to me. She has an amazing heart & soul. She is by far the strongest fighter I know. A lot of it has to do with her faith in God and her hope for a future. Lord knows, I hope to meet her one day! 

Nothing frustrates me more than seeing miserable people working at a job that has to interact with humans. 

I see it as you have a job, a lot of people can't get jobs this day and time. It could be worse, you could not even have a job, you could not be able to work in general. Yes I'm sure your dream isn't to be working at Sonic but everyone has to start at the bottom. 

                   In the words of Drake: I started from da bottom and now I'm here. :)

Dreams should never be overlooked. If you are 50 years old and are JUST now starting a new career path then good for you! It doesn't matter how late you start to accomplish your goals and aspirations. The only thing that matters is that you are doing it. My dream is to become a Interior Decorator and be rich in love and family. and I will do that, maybe not right this second but eventually I will be. Remember my name haha

People have asked me before isn't your dream to not have CF anymore? Ive thought about it and it's a mixed answer. Yes I hope CF will eventually be cured but also no because the about of things this disease has provided me in life I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

                            A lot of my dreams came true because of Cystic Fibrosis. 

I am so extremely blessed to have CF, it's made me have the closest relationship with my family, I have a core group of friends that have been there with and for me since day one, I've got to experience the amazing medical technology that has become so innovative in the past five years. When I start from the beginning and think about what I wouldn't have, had I not been diagnosed with CF, I think my life would honestly suck. LOL 

                     I'm in LOVE with my life just how it is, so no I don't want to change it.

Now that I've wrote or "typed" a bunch of randomness, I need to go back to doing some schoolwork :) oh and my average grade is a 97! A 97 in college! Are you KIDDING me??? I never thought I would say this but I am LOVING college. 

I will be writing a blog once a week for sure, maybe more depending on what is on my mind. 

Thank you for being YOU. Always be yourself, don't change for anyone. Never give up on your dreams. Never lose HOPE. and never ever take ONE breath for granted because well you may not wake up tomorrow. 

faith.hope.love

Courtney

fear or not

There is one word in this world that scares the crap out of me and I'm sure you all will agree.

So what is this word...?

Fear.

Fear is one of those words everyone will try and cover up and say ha i'm not scared no way! Yet deep down they are terrified. Yes that is completely normal. However there are many different levels of fear in my opinion:

fear of money,

fear of love,

fear of God, 

and lastly fear of the unknown.

When the Bible says in Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear for I am with you always" why do we continue to be fearful? I have to assume it's because He is teaching us some kind of lesson that we haven't figured out yet.

When we start talking about the fear of money, what does that mean exactly? We all have different views on "money" issues. Some say, oh I can't afford to go on vacation this year, or will I have enough money to pay my bills. How many medications will I pick up that I need to pay for? Did I pay my house payment? 

The truth is, what is money worth to you? Bible says in 1 Timothy 6:10 "For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people eager for money have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs". In this society today everything is about money. Back when I was "young" gas was $1.15 and we were trying to figure out how to pay that. Point being forget about money. Start working to live and stop living to work. It's not worth the stress that money causes in our lives. Ive never seen something have so much control over people. My opinion on money is like this, I believe in saving money but also don't hoard it and be a tight wad. Live your life, go on family vacations, enjoy it because you earned it, after all once we leave this world we sure as heck can't take it with us. So don't have a fear of money and whether or not you'll make it in life, because you will. If you have faith in HIM, he will provide for you and not let you suffer. It's just paper, don't let it run & ruin your life.

The fear of love is a very interesting subject or for me it is. I've always had a fear of never finding someone whom will love me for me, and accept everything I've been through. Just because I have a hard exterior doesn't mean I don't want love. Everyone wants to be loved by someone. I still believe that there is someone out there for everybody, even me. The scary part is wondering when "he" will show up. I know he's out there, I just have to be patient and in His timing it will happen. Trust me I have faith. :) so anyone out there who thinks oh no one will every love me, well you are wrong there is one person in this world that will love you unconditionally and he is our Lord Jesus. 

I know that some people have the other fear of love in which you are afraid to give your whole heart to someone, which if you were hurt in the past that makes completely sense. However do you want to go through life not being able to feel the love that shines out of you once you let go? I know I wouldn't. All in all just embrace it, embrace the love, show the love, love one another. After all God made us just how he wanted us & we are so blessed. 

Fearing God. It's not something I like talking about since I don't fear him. Actually I trust him with my life. Back before I even received my transplant, I was a very angry person. Angry at God, my health, my body, just angry at everyone and everything. I questioned why God would do this to me? Is he even real? God would never give me this awful disease, he's probably a joke. Little did I know he was testing not only my patience but my faith in HIM. He wanted me to "take a number" go get mad, get angry, cry, scream, do whatever I needed to do then He knew I would come back. Low and behold I came back. I stopped fearing Him so much, and started trusting in Him. After all he knows what he's doing. "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." I thought to myself alright bro you obviously know what your doing so you can take over now. Thanks :) 

The best thing you can you not only for yourself but for others is do NOT fear God, he is with you always & forever. 

Fearing the unknown is my weakness. I wonder what does my future hold? Just almost 2 years ago I was on my death bed, I had no plans at that moment nor for what I wanted to do in life. For many years my "plan" was to wake up (if I even went to sleep) and still be breathing. Not many people know this but from November of 2011 until my transplant date October 10, 2012; I would make my brother (6'2) or my mom hold my hand all night while I "slept". I made them do this every night,. (keep in mind three adults and two weenie dogs in a king bed) I told myself that if I died in my sleep, they would know because my grip would loosen from their hand. Every night I feared the unknown. Will I sleep tonight? Will I wake up? Will I call 911 for the ambulance to transport me to UTSW? It was a constant mind game, am I breathing okay? too fast? too slow? Can I make it to the bathroom or will Trevor have to carry me? I wonder if I'll have enough breath today to be able to eat just a bite of dinner? If I did eat it, would it wear me out to the point of me labor breathing? It was a never ending battle. I had station 10 on speed dial, we became really close. I felt so safe when they would come because that was one thing I knew for sure is they could calm me down. they became my security blanket. They also had the fear of the unknown. Gosh here's Courtney again, will we make it to the hospital before she codes on us? I can't imagine what went on in their mind. The anxiety from unknown was the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life. I wouldn't wish anxiety on anyone. I could put my pulse oxymeter on my finger it would say 85-90, I could just look down and immediately drop it to 54 then I would hyperventilate and here comes station 10. 

The unknown still to this day is something I struggle with and I'm sure everyone else struggles with it as well. Will I make that percentage survival rate they have for new transplant patients? Will I last 3 years or 30 years? But everyday I think gosh how blessed am i? Beyond measures. I will forever cherish this gift. I am trying to not think about the unknown and focus on the right now. My family, my friends, and my God is all I need. Amen?

I can't describe how overjoyed I am with my new lungs. The ONLY unknown I still question is my lungs, I want to know who selfishly gave their life up to extend mine. 

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" AMEN!

:Side note:

I can't thank everyone enough for reading my blog. In one day I got over 350 views from all over the world. That amazes me. I only started this to help people understand that your life is a GIFT that you can't return, so use it until the warranty expires, then if it does see if you can get replacement parts like I did. :) 

My last word: Are you an organ donor?  If you are I would love to hear why you became a donor? If not, here is a link to become one. Trust me it's totally worth it. 

Be a Donor

Judgments.

                             Does it really matter what others think of us? No, but that isn't the reality. Society has come to the point of everyone on the TV, telling us who looks good in what, and how much weight they have lost/gained, what he/she wore, and so on. To me that is so sad. What has this world come to now days? Can we all just love each other for who they are & not throw around so much hate and judgement?

                                         When you hear the word judge, what do you think? 
Do you think of a judge in the court of law?
Do you think of a judge on a TV show or do you think of the harsh reality of the true definition?

The definition of judge is to form an opinion about someone or something.

Now we know that everyone says oh well I don't judge, or I'm not judging but......
There is ALWAYS a but at the end of that sentence, and I'm not going to lie, I have said that and I am guilty of judging people but I am trying to become a better in that department. In fact when I think about it, how many verses in the Bible does it mention to us not to judge? Don't know? Well there are a lot let me tell you. Matthew 7:1 says " Do not judge, or you to will be judged", when I read that verse it really hits home to me.

                                        For 25 years, my entire life. I have been judged. 

Growing up my family made sure that I felt like the most normal little girl in the world, and they did one heck of a job. As a child I can honestly say I never knew something was wrong with me. I just kept playing and going along with life as I knew it.  I'm also very extremely blessed with the fact that I have about 7 friends that have been my friends from birth, they have NEVER once judged me. When we would play outside and I would get tired quicker than my friends, they would say lets go play inside or watch a movie. They were young but still made sure I felt normal. They did that without hesitation. Yes there were times that I felt judged for instance they wouldn't invite me to do things because I couldn't go here since they smoked, or I couldn't go to Six Flags in the summer because I couldn't last all day, I would be exhausted. Those were mainly my preteen to teenage years. I remember numerous of times I wanted to go to a party, but they wouldn't invite me, wouldn't even mention it, then I would see things posted on MySpace about how much fun they had. Yes I would go in my room, do my breathing treatments & cry myself to sleep asking why am I not good enough? Do they not love me? What is so wrong with me? After I questioned everything all night about myself, I would ALWAYS wake up the next day and forget about it. It's a new day & I'm ready to go!

I'm very happy to say that when I got so sick right before my transplant, those 7 close friends were by my side. They weren't judging, they wanted to be with me, nowhere else just be there for me. If you would've asked me years ago would these same people still be my best friends in 10 years, I would have said you are crazy there is NO way but here I am 25 and they are all still here. After my surgery I had never felt so loved in my life. People coming out of the wood works, from all over the USA to actually all over the world. Praying for me, not knowing me, and most of all not judging me. Now who can say you had people all over the world praying for you? ha yeah this girl right here. :-)

These days I have to wear a mask every now & then at random places and during flu season. That's when the judgment begins.....staring, pointing, whispering, cranking their neck around to look at me. The same things that happened when I had a wheelchair pre-transplant. Now you would think a mask wouldn't be a big deal right? uh WRONG.
The thing that has surprised me the most is when I do wear the mask, it's not the children that judge me, it's the grown adults. The little kids don't know any better they just ask why, and I politely say oh I had a transplant, and I have to wear this to look cool and not get sick. Once I say that they are content, walk away and think nothing of it. As far as the adults, it's very disappointing in my eyes. They stare so hard I feel like the eyes will get stuck like that. haha. I've had quite the questions containing the mask that makes me laugh so hard.

Here is a few:

"Oh are you sick?" I say no I had a transplant then they freak out and apologize forever. I say no no it's a good thing!

"Are you a doctor?" hahaha yeah because I just got out of surgery, changed to jeans & a t-shirt but left my mask on.

"Oh sweetie, did you have oral surgery?" now what in the heck would I be doing wearing a mask after oral surgery? I just had my wisdom teeth out & I didn't need a mask. LOL

"Thank you so much for what you do!" I said i'm sorry? They said your a nurse. haha no ma'am no I'm not but I do know a bunch of them.


After reading those how can you not laugh? The point to that is proven in
            James 1:19 "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry".

So before you go off throwing judgments out on people you don't even know, think about it before you say something. Until you walked a mile in their shoes, you don't have much room to talk.

I had a handicap sign prior to transplant because I couldn't walk far & half the time I just used a wheelchair. When people would see me stepping out of my car looking all "normal" they would shake their head in disgust that I parked there and I'm not "handicap". Little did they know I couldn't BREATHE. So when you see someone looking perfectly healthy parking in a handicap, think about it. Maybe they look perfect on the outside, but on the inside their body is failing.
When you see someone on the side of the street asking for money, your mind automatically goes to they just want money for beer, drugs, or other stuff. What if they don't? What if they have nothing, they lost their house, lost their job, has PTSD, and just needs some kind of help that day. Maybe YOU will change their life but giving them change or $1 or $5?

Does it really matter what everyone else thinks? It says in Galatians 1:10 "Am I now trying to win approval of men or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I was still trying to please people I would not be a servant of Christ." In the end the only one to has the authority to judge is the Lord, yet he doesn't judge. He only wants us to do what is right. What's so hard about that?

Everyone has the ability to judge, but how about instead of judging we change that to the power of changing someones life. Making them realize there are good people in this world, and not everyone will judge you. Instead of saying oh my gosh look at them, how about you say oh Bless their Heart, I need to pray for them.

Trust me, it does work.


Today I want to send out a challenge, can you go all day (24 hours) without thinking a judgmental thought?

faith.hope.love

Courtney

courtlee7@yahoo.com 

The Beginning.

           I've decided to start a blog, will it go anywhere? I don't know but I also don't really care. This is for me to reflect on and others to maybe have a better understand of me. We will see. 


About me: 
I'm a 25 year old "single" girl who just happened to be lucky enough to have a disease called Cystic Fibrosis, I have had this "gift" my whole life but was never diagnosed until I was 3 1/2. I call this a gift because I believe if it wasn't for this my faith and trust in God would be non existent. Without the Lord by my side, along with my family and friends I can honestly tell you right now that I wouldn't be here. My family and friends are my strength, my hope, my love, my life. 

November 2011, I was given this amazing opportunity to make my dream come true and fly to New York to see one of the last shows on Live! with Regis & Kelly. Keep in mind I've watched this show for years, I wasn't always healthy enough to attend school so I would stay with my grandma and watch it, while she took care of me. My parents had to obviously work & my brother was at school. Anyways so with my mom's amazing connections, and her work. I was able to take that trip. It was the best trip of my life. I got to take my "sister" Kristin, my mom, brother. I will remember that trip until the day I die. In fact that trip almost killed me, literally. Two weeks after we returned home, we were eating dinner and I told my mom I couldn't breathe......5 seconds later I collapsed in her arms. I blacked out so I don't really know what happened, all I know is that I woke up in the ER, with tubes in my chest, it was at that point I thought to myself, this is it....I'm going to die right here and now. Somehow by the grace of God the hole in my lung healed. Alright awesome, I can go home and everything is normal. But from that point on my life was indeed the biggest, tallest, longest roller coaster I had EVER been on. It never stopped, it had 500 million loopy loops and upside downs than I could count. 

Then starting in January the entire year of 2012 I was in the hospital in & out of ICU. It was indeed the hardest thing to go through not only for myself but for my parents and family. I can't imagine watching your daughter, sister, grandchild, niece just whittling away. Basically getting closer and closer to death and going to be with the Lord. I was blessed enough to be pretty heavily medicated so I wouldn't know of anything going on. I do remember one time, the head RT of UTSW, came to talk to me about my options. He had been with me every step of the way. He sat by my bed, held my hand and said, sweetie, we have basically one option we have to vent you but you probably won't ever come off of it because your lungs are so weak & damaged. He said I love you and I HATE being the person to tell you this but I have always been honest with you. He told me to call anyone I wanted before they vented me. My mom had already texted Kristin who was going to college in Tyler, she left immediately to come be with me. So I picked up the phone and I called Alison. She answered very confused and I told her you know I love you, and I just wanted to tell you bye because they said I won't make it off the vent. She started crying, threw the phone down and Kerry picked up and asked what was going on, at that time my mom I think spoke to her. Then I called my Aunt Sheila, I told her good bye and I loved her, she told me I was crazy and I wasn't going anywhere. Of course I didn't believe her because my odds were very very LOW. She then left at 3am to come be with me. From that point on, I don't remember anything. I was put on a machine called ECMO or CardioHelp. It was my last resort. No other options. No good news. All we could do was pray. oh and did we pray. prayed everyday. To help me, give me strength, we wanted hope, a miracle, a cure, anything. 

                          It wasn't until that night my mom laid next to me, and prayed to God.
Lord I give up, I can't fix it, she is in your hands. If it's meant for her to have lungs give them to her, if not please don't let her suffer anymore. Let her go and be with you. Amen.

                           That's it, that's all she prayed. Nothing less, nothing more. 

That next morning, her prayer was answered. My doctor came into my room smiling and told my mom, we have LUNGS, at that moment my doctor, the tough guy, hard exterior, started crying. My mom called everyone she knew and I know deep down she couldn't believe that her little prayer saved me and her. On October 10, 2012 I got lungs! Not one but two healthy lungs.
This little 23 year old girl from Irving, Texas was given a miracle by the one and only Lord. The Lord choose ME. He gave me a miracle. Why me? I don't know and won't ever know, but I can't help but look at life completely different. Those miracles in the Bible that you read and think to yourself ha yeah okay Jesus, like that can even happen. Oh but it can. Look at me. 

                                            I now live my life for the Lord.

It's the greatest gift I have ever received in my life. Nothing can compare. He truly is the way and the life. 

Here I am 1 year & 8 months since that day. I'm in love with someone I've never met, I love my life. I love what God has done in my life. My only hope is that I can live up to this gift I've been giving. Am I good enough? Am I strong enough? Are you sure you trust me with this gift? Am I meeting his expectations? Of course I am, because if I couldn't handle it he wouldn't have give me such a valuable gift such as a second life. I hope I can show people what life is really about. Don't dwell on the past, don't let the little things ruin your day. Live your OWN life for you and no one else. 


With that said, I will end that part of my journey and continue on with my life. 

                                                 How Great is Our God!

                                                          Faith.Hope.Love
                                                              Courtney


Ephesians 2:8-10
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.